It can create more distressĬonsider your canceled trip to the beach. A pretty unpleasant cycle, to say the least. This lie creates more guilt, which you may attempt to resolve with more self-punishment. In the future, you might find yourself lying again in order to maintain your deception. Yet it doesn’t address the real issue - the thing you’re hiding. Punishing yourself might reduce your guilt and help you feel better. Say you feel guilty because you lied to someone or did something you want to keep secret. Instead of forgiving yourself for normal human errors, you might begin fixating on even minor slip-ups, offering unkind judgment instead of a self-loving “I’ll do better next time.” It doesn’t always resolve the problem While some forms of self-punishment might be useful, the problem is that it can easily become a harmful cycle that’s hard to get out of. Next time someone mentions a prank, you remember your coworker’s embarrassment and decline to participate. You arrange for an anonymous delivery of their favorite candy and take them out to lunch later that week. They never find out you were involved, but you still want to make amends. They disappear into the bathroom, avoiding everyone for the rest of the day. “Just some harmless fun,” you tell yourselves, but the prank really upsets your coworker. Perhaps you and a few work friends decide to play a prank on a coworker. Self-punishment could also encourage you to address problematic behavior. When the afternoon rolls around, instead of taking off to the beach, you stay home and make a renewed effort to finish up.ĭenying yourself the planned trip provides a second chance to do what you need to do and motivates you to stay on task next time you’ve planned something fun. You dedicate the morning to work, but for some reason, you just can’t focus and you end up getting very little done. Say you’ve promised yourself you’ll take the afternoon to relax at the beach after you get your work done. Punishment isn’t always the most effective tool, but there are times when it can lead to personal growth. It suggested that people who felt guilty about keeping secrets from their romantic partners often attempted to relieve that guilt by denying themselves enjoyable activities or taking less pleasure them. In a small study from 2010, participants asked to recall an instance of unethical behavior and then complete a painful task (leaving their hand in a bucket of ice water for as long as they could) reported less guilt after their “punishment.”Īdditional research from 2017 also explored the link between guilt and self-punishment. When you feel guilty for thoughts you can’t express or actions you can’t apologize for, you might see self-punishment as a way of redeeming yourself, at least in your own eyes. In some cases, you might hesitate to come clean after a mistake, believing this would only cause more pain. As 2015 research points out, people more prone to shame tend to punish themselves more readily. These feelings of unworthiness can prompt self-punishment, even if you can’t trace them back to anything specific. You might experience guilt after a specific mistake, while shame describes a general sense of yourself as unworthy. It’s not always easy to separate shame from guilt, particularly when they show up together, but here’s one helpful way of looking at it: Guilt typically relates to actions, while shame usually relates to self-identity. You might feel the first stirrings when parents or other caregivers suggest your behavior violates their expectations or broader social norms. We believe we deserve itĬhildren often learn shame at an early age. By holding yourself accountable when no one else does, you show remorse and restore your personal sense that you aren’t, in fact, a bad person. Undergoing suffering in the form of self-punishment can seem like a similarly productive way to pay for mistakes. You might see punishment from someone else as a deserved, just action that absolves you of your “sins.” Many people see pain (physical or emotional) as a way to restore integrity and virtuousness. While this goal is an admirable one, it often involves some emotional distress: You wish you were better, so you punish yourself for failing to improve. The desire to become a better person is fairly common. We believe suffering improves our character The following explanations often play a part, though. Where does this urge come from? Cultural messages and other complex factors can contribute, so there’s not always a simple answer. continuing to dredge up bad feelings long after a regrettable decision.At its most extreme, it might involve some type of self-harm.
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